In search Of Peace

 With endearing tenderness, I will forever be grateful for the love that surrounded me growing up. Especially the example of undying Faith and fidelity shown to me by my parents.

I was exhausted Sunday. After working at the shop all day, I came home, sinking into my favorite chair. I began my post workday ritual; removed my earrings, taking off my boots, finally removing my necklace. My beautiful cross gifted to me by a special friend just before Christmas. It held a great deal of meaning to me and I have worn it with great pride. I began to try and undo the clasp, my fingers almost frozen, unable to manipulate the necklace to open it. I kept trying and my attempts were futile. It seemed the more I tried, the more frustrated I became. I worked myself into frenzy trying to remove the necklace. All at once I fell back crying out " Lord, I can't. I cannot do this any longer!!!! " The stark reality of my medical condition had crept into my very core. I was overwhelmed, sad, and creating a pity party around myself. When I finally calmed down, I made my plea once again. "Lord, I can't do this anymore. Please, please." Taking in a breath I heard a voice very clearly say - WHY? Why - I could go on with many reasons, reasons that seemed trivial and unimportant when I repeated them out loud. Why not? Who was I to believe I was above having physical pain on this earth. 

How could I at that moment let the pain outshine the incredible blessings I have been given - countless, unending blessings. This very moment in my life was an opportunity to use my pain to draw closer to God, instead of questioning him. He was waiting for me, his divine mercy draped in his arms.

Instead, I chose to be defensive and contradictory. I put up the walls that bind me and keep me from growing. A Sancturary of apathy. It is comfortable in there thinking I have control. It is only after I allow those walls to melt into nonexistence that I can find true peace. The peace that can only come from true surrender. 

True surrender doesn't just apply to your relationship with God, it is also true of all of your relationships. For instance, in your marriage, this is paramount. Think of all the times you let an argument grow into something much greater than it is. Like my frustration with my necklace, your emotions prevail, sometimes making it nearly impossible to reel it in. Whereas if you had stepped back, took in a breath, and asked yourself what God asked me - Why? Why are you berating and diminishing your love with derogatory words, and hurtful statements? Your spouse is created in God's image and your marriage is a spiritual gift to treasure. Surrender your heart, and feel His peace surround you. I understand it is much easier in the heat of the moment to react as I did. But, next time, try and take that minute to regroup, and grow. 

I struggle with all of this. My first reaction is not always the right one. But through prayer and discernment I believe I eventually come to the right conclusion.

Remember, even Jesus had his doubts in the garden at Gethsemane, surrounded by rich olive trees, filled with anguish and fear, he felt abandoned. He poured out his heart to his Father, begging him to take His cup away from him. This gave us a glimpse into His humanity. He felt all of the emotions we feel. Yet, He took up his cross and died for us. 

What is your cross? What are you being called to take up in Faith? Right now, mine is my health and the limitations it is presenting me with. How am I carrying it? I joined a health club in an effort to strengthen what I have and become more independent. With the help of a trainer, proper diet, and swimming, I hope to emerge better than ever. My desire is that in a small way it may inspire someone else to do the same. With that, giving Glory back to God.

Throughout our lives we will be called to pick up many crosses and carry them. Some large, some small. Never forget the ultimate cross that was carried, the one planted on Calvary, bringing our Lord to His death. 

Why? That's Why.